Tag Archive: advice


friends

my daughter is in the learning process on understanding the concept of friend. but i’m not sure whether to emphasis on the concept now or later… or just let she experience herself.

this morning, i prepared breakfast and lunch box for my daughter. the statement of “this is not enough for my friends”… had really bothers me for a long time since last year. i began wondering the kind of friends she’s having? then, i started to nag / advice to her by saying that…

“you need to find a friend who likes you of who you are. not a friend who is taking advantage of you just because you bring her lunch everyday. i don’t mind you sharing, but i prepared this lunch box is for you and not your friend. i want you to have the energy to learn… i’m more concern about you… you may let your friend have a taste of your food but not get them full… i want you to get full, not your friend…”

was i too harsh on her? maybe she meant well… or i’m just being too protective of her… maybe i should just let her make some mistakes huh…

‘experience is the best teacher’

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listen

how many of us do actually listen? listen to our colleagues, listen to our superior, listen to our sub ordinates, listen to your spouse and listen to our children? well, if you answer… “I do listen…” let me ask you… at what stage were you listening? i will go to that later…

now, i just want to share my experience… i was acting as an academic director last month. major thing that really struck me in my life experience is listening. i tried and have to improve my listening skill. why? because, almost everyday someone will come to me to pour their heart out or just to comment or complaint on anything… well, of course i can’t solve all problems, i think but at least i listened to them. maybe that helps…

well, what i learned from just being a listener is that i learned something new. some are life changing moment, some i even took their stories as advice for myself.

yesterday, a colleague of mine faced a very challenging moment in her life at the office. she came to me needing for me to lend her my ears. after she poured all her heart out, one thing i learned is that, we are not capable of doing everything right. but at least we do our very best. if the deeds does not return to us, it will surely return to our children. she said that the life of her children runs smoothly not because of what she had done to them. it was maybe because of the deeds that she had done before in her life in helping her students.

i asked one of my colleagues who has a background in education psychology in how to make our children listen to us? he said… “that’s simple, you need to listen to them”.

i was thinking… “geee, listening is a tough job.” it’s not easy to listen. because the way we listen, do give the impact on the responds we give. we would like our children to always come to us for everything… to share their joy and their sorrow… if we give them a bad reactions just because we don’t listen right, might be they will not come to us anymore.

i will be going to a seminar on monday in KL. i have received an executive summary by C.Otto Scharmer to read in preparing my state of mind. what makes me want to share my experience here in becoming a listener in the office and at home is that the author concluded that there are 4 types of listening…

listening 1: downloading
which it reconfirms on what you already knew. you knew the situation, and when someone came to you with their stories, it just reconfirms on the data you have.

listening 2: factual
it disconfirm on what you know and listen to any new data for you to process.

listening 3: empathic
is to understand the situation and you could see the situation through the person’s eyes.

listening 4: generative
is where you realize that you are not the same person after your conversation with that person. it changes your perspective even your believes.

so, how many of us listen to our children with empathic and generative ways? we as the parents always assume that we know more than them and we know what’s best for them. i admit, i always listen to my children either downloading or factual way. but never the empathic and generative way. who ever out there is listening to their children with empathic and generative ways… bravo!! i respect you.

if i can listen to my colleagues in empathic and generative ways, surely i can do the same for my kids.

Kids, i’m sorry. i’m in the learning process as well… in becoming a great mommy for both of you.

realized that there’s no other way to teach how life is until you experience yourself. different experience will generate a different lesson.

today, fetching my daughter from school have taught me a lesson that she is having her own life. she will learn lessons through her own experience.

my daughter was chosen for story telling competition and taking part in concert at her school. listen to her anxiousness, anxiety and excitement in her voice make me realize that she is on her own way to build her self-esteem and confidence. however, i did manage to advice her be humble in life…

still feeling happy, my daughter told the exciting news to her father while we are in the car driving back from our kids vital years session. she got totally different reaction from him. father asked her whether she remembered her promise if she wants to take part in any concerts at her school. actually, my hubby make my daughter to promise him that she needs to meet minimum of 5A’s in school to take part in any concert. i was totally forgotten about that. firmly, my hubby asked my daughter to tell her teacher tomorrow that she’s not allow to take part in school concert. Feeling mad and upset… my daughter emphasis that the teacher has chosen her, so she has to take part. the argument went on and on until i said, “you must obey your father”. and everybody was silent.

at home, my hubby explained that his intention was to make my daughter realize that she has failed to keep her promise.

and my point was… in future, our kids will need to seek for our permission and consent before doing anything.

sometimes life can be harsh on you.

it happened last friday where my daughter was very upset when i fetch her from the day care center. she had lost her watch. she cried and said that someone had stolen her watch that she placed on the teacher’s table while she was practicing taekwondo.

i asked her how she felt. “i am very upset because i love the watch so much. i earned the watch by getting good results on my earlier exam… and the watch is expensive… it costs RM20. dad had to draw out money from a bank just to buy the watch. and now it’s lost… i’m sure dad will get mad at me…” yes… she loved the watch very much… she didn’t took it off even when she sleeps and bathes.

when i listened to her feelings… i was confuse and puzzled. i didn’t know how to advice her. it seems that now she knows the value of money. maybe RM20 is very much affordable for me… but to my daughter… it’s expensive… i didn’t know how to advice her… if i said something like…

“it’s ok… you didn’t lose it on purpose… it’s not your fault”… will she hold on to the phrase when ever she lost her things next time?? will she be saying to herself that it’s ok if i lost things as long as i didn’t do it on purpose…?? and of course i did not want to blame totally on her. it’s not fair.

OR

“the watch is only cost RM20… we can get another one for you”… will she be thinking that it’s ok to lost things??… we can always get a new one…

of all the confusion wandered in my head… finally i said… “if you love the watch so much, after your every prayer… ask from GOD to open up the heart who ever took your watch to give you back on monday…” then she asked… “what if he or she never gives back?”… “we’ll see… but you have to put effort on it first…”, i replied.

giving my hubby an upfront notice… i called him and explained what happened…

well… today is monday… we’ll see what happen…